[Be-Ahavah U-Be-Emunah –
Behaalotecha 5773 – translated by R. Blumberg]
Question: I am
worthless. I’ve got a serious mental illness. I’m just not worth anything.
Occasionally I go to the hospital for treatment and then I come back a nothing.
I’m a wretch, my wife is a wretch, my children are wretches. I don’t do
anything of worth in life.
I see my
friends who went to school with me. All of them are successful. They teach
Torah, they are rabbis, educators, while I’m just a dishrag. I study Torah
several hours a day. I barely understand anything, I forget it all, due to the
treatments I receive. What am I worth?
What is
the purpose of my whole life? Very often I am sunk in depression, and I ask
myself what I am living for? I’m not worth a thing.
Answer: To answer
this question, one has to determine man’s purpose on earth. Is it to be a Torah
scholar? Is it to be important? Is it to have high status? No. Man’s purpose is
to serve G-d, as is explained in the first paragraph of the book Mesilat
Yesharim. There are different avenues and modes of serving G-d, each one in
accordance with its nature and place. The rule of thumb is: “The greater the
pain, the greater the reward.”
The
Master-of-the-Universe is not an achievement-oriented elitist. Rather, He appreciates
the effort we make: “When Naomi saw what an effort Ruth made to go with her, she
ceased arguing with her” (Rut 1:18). The Jerusalem Talmud states, “One Mitzvah involving
pain is worth a hundred painless Mitzvot.” In your case, every Mitzvah is very hard,
hence it is as precious in G-d’s eyes as a hundred Mitzvot that anyone else
might do.
And the
same goes with your Torah learning.
Rambam
writes that man is judged in accordance with the majority of his deeds. If most
of his deeds are meritorious, he is a Tzadik [righteous]. If most are
sinful, he is a Rasha [evildoer]. If his deeds are half and half, he is
a Benoni [in between]. If most of one’s deeds are evil, he will
immediately die for his wickedness (Hilchot Teshuvah 3:1-2).
We thus
have a question against Rambam. Surely we see many people with many more sins
than merits, yet they do not die immediately.
Obviously,
Rambam was aware of this question and he answered it in advance: It is not we
who appraise the value of each mitzvah. Neither are we talking about a mere numerical
calculation. Rather, there may very well be one Mitzvah that is worth thousands
of other Mitzvot, “Only the Master of Opinions knows how the comparison between
sins and merits is made” (ibid.).
You, my
dear friend, have a great many merits. Truly a great many.
How lucky
you are! Every Mitzvah you perform and all of your Torah learning involve great
toil. Surely, in the Supreme World, the World of Truth, there will be
surprises…People who are considered important here will be considered worthless
there, and people who are derided here will be highly important there. “The
elevated ones will be down low, and the low down ones will be up high”
(Pesachim 50a).
You, my
friend, will be very important there. The main thing is there and not here. This
world is a mere crumb, a minute spark of eternity. Moreover, this great and
bright future is not just in the future, but in the present as well. The
millions of fluorescent bulbs in the banquet hall light up the waiting room as
well.
Do
your best, and be aware that you are precious in G-d’s sight.
